When I was an English major down at the University Illinois
I was required as part of the honors program to request an adviser and do a
thesis paper. My favorite professor was a man named Charles Sanders, who I first met
when I was in a small seminar devoted to the work of T.S. Eliot, my favorite
poet. I went to his office to talk to
him but he was not there. I sat in the hallway for
about an hour so that I could ask him if he would be my mentor.
Charles gave me my "D." On the day he did I also sat in the hallway. When he came in, he said, "I actually really liked your paper, T.S.. I give everyone a 'D' on their first paper because I find that weeds out the people who are tourists looking for an easy grade and not serious about what I teach. He was right. The next time i went to class it was down by half.
On this particular day, when came in he said “T.S. why are you here?” I told him why and he said “Of course I’ll be
your advisor. What do you think you want
to write about?” I said, “I have
thought about this a lot, and I think I want to write about how about time and
memory, and about how modern writers and poets, like Faulkner, Eliot and
Vonnegut, have fractured their narratives and poems to express how we experience and struggle with these two things”
Charles always sucked on lollipops. He took the strawberry one out of his mouth and
asked “Why?” I told him about an
obsession I have always had with time and memory. He said, “That’s a good theme. There is a lot of material there. Let’s see
what you can do with it.” I ended up writing 36-page paper on the impact of
these things on modern literature. It
was focused on how historical and life events change the way we think about an create around time and memory.
These days when people come into my garage studio and my
upstairs to my home office they often ask “Why do you make so many collages of events in
your life, and why do you have so many clocks?”
The answer is that I am, like when I was a young student, still obsessed
with time and memory. This obsession got even worse when I found out I had Parkinson’s. It got almost to the point
where my thinking about these things paralyzed me.
I have always felt like I was unstuck in time. Then, and still, my mind jumps around from
memory to memory. I am also constantly
looking at watches and clocks to see what time it is because I have no natural
sense of time. I am like Billy Pilgrim
in Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse-Five,
minus the science-fiction. He was a man
unstuck in time and memory and so am I.
In the early days of this thing my wife was concerned about
me enough to suggest I might want go to a counselor and I did. I went to visit
with a guy I knew, named Steve, who is a highly recommended therapist. He is real nice guy and I felt very
comfortable sharing with about how it was that I felt unstuck.
He asked me about why I thought so much about time. I said, “Because I want to have as much of it
as I can. I don’t want to lose it; I
want to use it well, as much as I can. I don’t
like sleeping because that could be time I could use. I have done that since I was a kid. After
everyone went to bed I would sit up all night writing. I'm doing it again.” He scribbled in his notebook.
He then asked me about why I was currently thinking so much
about memory. I said, “I don’t want to
lose it either.” I told him I was worried that my memory was tarting to get sketchy and lost. Even though I can
remember stories from many years ago, but I can’t remember numbers, appointments,
certain words, or what someone said to me ten minutes ago.
He said that is normal for a person like you. By nature, being a writer
and artist, you're someone that spends a lot of time in their head. “There is a big
difference between being highly distracted and losing your memory. Why else are you so concerned about your
memory?”
I told him the story of the night I called my father to
check in on him and when he got on the phone it was clear he did not remember
who I was. He broke off for a minute and
asked his wife, “Who am I talking to?” She said, “Your oldest son, Tom.” He said “I have a son?” Dad was not in good
shape then. He was using a walker and
you never knew from day-to-day how lucid he might be depending on medicine tweaks. We finished the call but I could tell he had
no idea who I was. That conversation broke my heart and has haunted me ever
since.
I was lucky that I had a couple of more conversations with
him where he did remember me, if not all that we had done together, and we had one
more nice visit together before he went to sleep and never woke up again. I told Steve that I didn’t want to end up
some day like my father, where I couldn’t remember my own children.
The whole time I was talking, Steve was writing in his
notebook. He eventually looked up and said,
“We’re getting near time. I want to tell
you this. It is not uncommon for people like who have life changing events, like being diagnosed with Parkinson’s, to
feel “unstuck” like you feel right now. I
can help you with that.” I said thank
you. He then asked me, “Just for my
notes, what exactly did your dad die from?”
It took me a minute
to answer, because it was the root of many of my problems. I didn’t want to face it at all, but I told him
anyway. ”He died of complications from Parkinson’s.” Steve, who is always taciturn, stopped
writing and looked up at me over the rims of his glasses. He said, “Oh, my. I
think you and I are going to have many more conversations, not just about time
and memory, aren’t we?” I nodded my head, put on my coat and left.
I worked with Steve for weeks and he helped me. He convinced
me that there was no reason to believe I would necessarily be like my father
when he was in his final years, and if I was it would be many years in the
future. He also taught me two other good things.
He taught me that time is not something you can control, and
it is not necessarily completely linear or precise. Time is, as Einstein said, “Relative,” and
different for different people, so therefore it is best to just let go and find
joy in the time you have… even the wasted time.
He also taught me that it is alright to be unstuck as long as you can manage
it, use it to your advantage, and it doesn’t mess up your life.
Another thing he told me was this, “T.S,, there is nothing wrong with revisiting memories, good and bad. As a writer that becomes your material, but don’t obsess about hanging on to memories forever. A good exercise to do might be to stop worrying so much about keeping memory but to concentrate on making new memories.” I am trying to do that now. I’m trying to make good memories for my family, my friends, and my neighbors.
I’m also trying hard to discover what the songwriter, James
Taylor, said in his song “The Secret of Life.”
I’m doing my best to just “enjoy the passage of time.” I'm doing the things that
I love, in the places I love, and with the people I love. I am still unstuck in time and memory, but that’s OK with me now. It keeps my mind alive and busy, which is not a bad thing.
And so it goes.
And so it goes.
As it should, Tom. I am trying my best not to worry about what really does not matter. Sounds to me like you have reached that point.
ReplyDeleteNot sure how this Blog stuff works but here we go......I was a control freak. To the point that I always had to have an answer. I always had to "Fix it". Maybe thats just a guy thing as Mark Gungor would say. Then I realized that when we are handed a deck of cards they will be played out the way they are played out. Not everything is in our control. I'm not sure if it is the fact that we are getting older and the kids are gone, but I will tell you this. Time is something we have very little of. To clone the phrase "Take time to smell the roses" is a reality check we all need. These days just sitting down in the same room with my wife as she does her crafts and I do what ever if anything, are precious to me. I think of the times in the past where I would be tucked in my home office or answering the phone at the office only for her to be asking, are you coming home soon.
ReplyDeleteI have know so many people that have been so busy building a life that they forgot to smell the roses. Now they are not on this earth an I look back and ask, "for what"! Enjoy the little things. The quite times of just sitting in a room with someone you love and not saying a word. If time slips buy then so be it.
Mike Fraser
Mike, you and I don't always agree on certain things, and that's alright. What I like most about you is that is you are not afraid to voice your opinions, and like tonight is to say things that are quite eloquent, beautiful and right. You think about stuff, say stuff,and that's something I need to have with the people I associate with even if I don"t see it the same way. I need to be around people who think and care. You are an important person in my life. I once stood up for you and then you returned the favor and stood up for me. You are still one of the "best men" I have had in my life. We had a lot of great times together. I'm not going to forget that. Your friend forever, T.S.
DeleteGreat piece Tom. The Billy Pilgrim refrain has run through my head for the past 30 years too. And the JT song as well. Mike Benz
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mike. You are one of my favorite guys. I'm glad Suzie introduced us, and I'm so glad we're still friends. Stay in touch and let me know how things are going for you all. Best to all of you. Your pal, T.S.
DeleteAn excellent read and commentary on life, Tom. I never saw this, for lack of a better word, obsessiveness with time, for the short time I knew you. I always saw you as someone who had things in order, knew where he was going, and had a sense of mental discipline about himself that I wanted to have but never could. It's funny to listen to my wife and her 'obsession' with time because her view is one of immediacy, she can't stand people wasting her time because as each day goes by, she feels she has precious little of it left. I try to point out that dealing with or doing what you would like to do first, her case, exercising, and then spending 3 hours on the phone with Apple computer, might make her feel that her time was not as wasted. Never works. I constantly forget the golden rule that when a woman is telling you something, she's just telling you, not asking for your advice or wanting you to fix it for her. I've always felt I've wasted my time not doing the things I really wish I would have done, but I think now it's more the insecurity of failure. I also think your writing is your way of beating Parkinson's, and you're winning. Dan
ReplyDeleteDan Head, one of my favorite friends,who I had so many adventures with in my youth, you are correct. You have hit the nail on the head. The insecurity of failure is something we all feel and we need to let go of because we all have something to offer. Writing is what I will use to beat down the things I deal with. What tool is in your pocket that you will you use to beat down anything in your life? Think about it. I know you have a bunch. Just grab the right one, Dan, and proceed. T.S.
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