After I developed Parkinson’s I developed a very bad habit
of always looking down at my feet when I walked because I was desperately
afraid that I would trip and fall in public thus losing my dignity. Consequently, I ran into a lot of things like
posts and recycling receptacles on the street, which sort of negated the
dignity thing. More than once a stranger
had to pull the back of my clothes so I did not walk out into the street when
the lights had changed. One of my best
friends, Paul, noticed that I looked down always and so he took to yelling at
me constantly, “Head up, Sharpe!” He did
a good job of helping me break the habit.
The other thing he said was, “How can you see the world if
you keep your head down all the time?” I thought about that and I realized that
over time, even before I had Parkinson’s, I had somehow stopped looking at
things, noticing things. After that I made a conscientious effort to look up
and all around me. I looked at people
and buildings, trees and clouds, and all sorts of things. I did notice things that I had not noticed in
years or ever before. I made a point
that if I had enough free time at lunch, or after work, I would go to the park
or to the Art Institute to look at my favorite pictures that hadn’t seen in
ages.
When I left the hard-core corporate world, and went to work
for a non-profit organization as their vice president of marketing, we worked
in an older building on the north side of Chicago . If I needed a cigarette, like others who
smoked, I would go down on the loading dock in the alley behind our building. It faced the back of the big post office on
the next street over. One day a man came
walking up the alley. He was a bearded black man in a very shabby and frayed
brown suit. He waved at me very emphatically.
He yelled at me, “Well, I got that all taken care of!” I didn’t know what to
say, so I just said “Good. Glad to hear it.”
I thought to myself that this guy thinks I am someone else or is clearly
a crazy person.
Every couple of days I would occasionally see him come
though the alley. I didn’t know where he
was coming from or where he was going, but every time he came through he would
yell something to me as if I understood what he was telling me. “I found that thing I was looking for!” After
awhile he would come up and talk to me every time I was out on the loading dock.
He was actually a very nice man, if a little off. I would offer him a cigarette
and we would chat for a bit. Eventually he would say, “I got things to do.” He
would shake my hand and off he would go. We would do this two or three times a
week.
I asked him once where he went during the day. He said, “I walk around. I go to the library.
They have a spot there away from everyone else where I can stay warm or cool
and do my painting.” I said “Oh, you
paint. What kind of painting do you
do?” He said “I use the watercolors they
have for the children. Then I sell them to a man who likes them. He gives me twenty-five dollars for each one
I finish. “I said, “That’s great. Who is this man?” He scratched his head and replied, “I don’t
know. I’ve never met him.”
The post office closed down and it was vacant for quite
awhile. One day I saw in a railed dock,
where the trucks used to unload mail, that random materials were starting to
accumulate. There were pieces of sheet
metal, wood, and all kinds of other things.
Under the overhang there leaned a mattress. There was a pile of blankets. I went on a short business trip and when I
came back a makeshift shanty, not much bigger than a child’s fort, had been constructed
in the alley right up against the old post office. It was occupied by the man I always talked to
in the alley.
One cool morning in early spring I saw him emerge from his
little house. He was already dressed in
his suit. He walked into a dark corner
and took care of his morning needs in a bucket.
He then took it down the alley and emptied it into a storm drain. He took another bucket, went to backdoor of
one the restaurants near us, and asked for some clean water. He carried that back and took a torn up cloth
and washed his face. He reached inside
his hut and brought out a brush and a little mirror. He ran it through his hair and his beard.
When he was satisfied that he looked good, he put all of his things away,
grabbed the knapsack he always carried and started off for the day. I stopped him. I said, “That is no way to live. If you need
help finding shelter I can make some calls and see what we can do.” He said, “No, thanks. That’s all the space I
need. I need to stay close to the
veteran’s hospital too.” I started,
“Yeah, but…” He cut me off. “I got things to do.” Then he quickly walked away.
In the summer the organization I worked for relocated to a
newer space in a high rise in the Loop . On the last day before we moved I went out at
lunch to try to find my friend. I found
him a couple blocks away sitting on a low garden wall doodling in a child’s
sketchbook. I sat down next to him and told him about us leaving. “Alright,” he said. He kept doodling;
wouldn’t look at me. I reached into my
shirt pocket and took out two twenty -dollar
bills I had taken out the ATM that morning. I reached out to hand them to
him. I said, “Here take this.” He said “I don’t need it. I don’t want
it.” I said “Come on. Call it a going away present.” He looked up at me with an expression that
was mixture of sadness and anger. He
said in a quavering voice, “Have I ever asked you for anything?” I shook my
head no. “You were nice enough to talk
to me. That’s all I ever wanted. Nobody ever talks to me. Sometimes they treat me like they can’t even
see me. I’ll miss talking to you.” I said, “When I’m on this end of town I’ll
try to find you.” I said good-bye, shook
his hand, and went back to work. I have
to confess I never saw him again. I
never had a reason to go back to that neighborhood and then I stopped working
in the city. I really hope he found
someone else he could talk to.
I recently re-read a book I really liked when I first encountered
it in college. It is called Invisible Man and was written by a man
named Ralph Ellison. It is a novel about
a young black man’s humiliating experiences in the south and how when he
migrates to New York City to attempt to achieve something in his life he ends
up feeling alienated and alone. At one
point he builds himself a shelter in a hole in the wall of Grand Central
Station. As I read the book I thought to
myself how common this is. I thought about the man in the wheelchair that I
found that one night in the rain and I thought about my friend from the
alley. It must be horrible to feel
disenfranchised; like no one can see you anymore.
I think in this modern world with the demands of work,
family and other things that preoccupy us, and the distraction of technology,
we often develop a certain amount of tunnel vision. Things start to become
invisible to us unless we make a point of looking up and seeing what’s around
us. When you do look up I think you see
a lot of incredible things and you just might stumble across an opportunity to
make somebody in your community, your church, your work, your school feel less
invisible.
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